As seen in Pyschology Today
An interview by Dr. Craig Beach with author Donna Tetreault.
Posted May 23, 2022 | Reviewed by Kaja Perina
If you’re like most of us, the complex topic of parenting is often fraught with more questions than answers. I recently had the opportunity to interview a go-to authority on this critical topic. Donna Tetreault is a national parenting journalist, award-winning children's book author, speaker, educator, and nonprofit founder. She teaches compassion, emotional health, and positive parenting strategies to kids and families nationwide.
Dr. Beach: What is the CASTLE Method?
Donna Tetreault: The CASTLE Method provides the tools to be confident in your parenting choices, to know that you are focused on the right goals, even if life doesn’t always go perfectly. My definition of a castle is a sanctuary, a tower of strength, a protection, a great house, a beautiful retreat safe against intrusion or invasion. I use this acronym, CASTLE, as a metaphor for building a magnificent life with your children and founding a family that thrives. This method is not about achieving your fantasy of a perfect life; it’s about building the castle and experience that works for you and your children.
The key is to envision your castle, the safe, compassionate, and loving castle you want to provide for your children. This castle will allow your children to expand into everything they are meant to do and be, knowing that they are always evolving and that it’s your job, as parents, to guide and support them as they create their own path in the world.
I created the CASTLE Method as a guide for parents, a blueprint that is as clear as it can be in the world of parenting. In short, what I have come to understand in my twelve years of study is there are certain foundational building blocks that are vital for children to develop and truly thrive. Each chapter in this book will be a deep dive into one of these building blocks, each assigned one of the letters in
CASTLE: • Compassion •Acceptance • Security • Trust • Love • Expectations + Education.
Dr. Beach: Why is compassion the foundation of the CASTLE Method? What makes compassion such a vital component of strong families?
Donna Tetreault: Compassion can be defined as a sensitivity to suffering in oneself and others, with a commitment to try and alleviate it or prevent it. Understanding this active element of compassion can help parents stay on the compassionate track when dealing with difficult situations in parenting.
Compassion is first on the list because it is the foundation of all that comes after. Compassion is what sets up all interactions between family members. As parents, we all want to guide our children and support them in their respective lives, but sometimes we just get in our own way. It’s like we can’t help ourselves. But we can learn to have a mindset that allows for our children’s varied development by understanding that our children are truly works in progress.
Building a foundation while focusing on compassionate parenting, in my mind, is a real and impactful part of our role as parents and the formation of a child and family.
Dr. Beach: Each chapter not only instructs parents in how to teach their children compassion, acceptance, and so on, but also emphasizes parents’ need to learn these concepts themselves. Why is it important for parents to practice what they teach?
Donna Tetreault: It is so important for parents to practice what they teach not only in modeling, but for their own benefit and well-being.
Some examples of pro-parenting tips to optimize mental health in children would include:
• Manage emotions, both yours and your child’s. Identify the emotion, understand the emotion, feel the emotion, and then move on to a more positive emotion, if possible. Walk your child through these steps by asking thoughtful questions and modeling possible answers.
• Use deep breathing and mindfulness techniques to help your child regain calm.
• Have your children record their thoughts and experiences. Older children can keep a journal, while younger ones can draw pictures or write simple sentences with your help.
• Incorporate mental health discussions into your everyday life. Talk about your own mental health as much as you ask your children about theirs.
• Educate yourself on mental wellness. Read books and articles and watch videos and documentaries.
• Utilize professional mental health services. Licensed therapists have expertise beyond what you can manage as a parent. Let them be a resource for you and your child.
Dr. Beach: How does self-love set up both parents and children for success and happiness in life?
Donna Tetreault: Self-love is something we can grow. We can teach our children this when we are truly aware and practice self-love in ourselves. So purposefully constructing love in your family is essential. How do you do it? Well, self-love is one of the most important steps on your parenting path. It may sound a bit counterintuitive, especially for new parents hyper-focused on their children, but it’s not.
And I’m not talking about what we see all over the internet: #selflove, #selfcare, a picture of a mom lying out by the waves with a “sex on the beach” cocktail in hand. Yes, that’s a form of self-care. But before you can love your children—and teach them to love themselves—you must learn to love yourself. I’ve had to learn this lesson myself multiple times, and I’m still learning.
Dr. Beach: Tell us about the difference between harmful expectations and helpful ones. How can parents take more care in setting expectations in their families?
Donna Tetreault: Expectations are critical in parenting, but harmful expectations can be detrimental. Examples of helpful expectations include expecting joy, involvement, and celebration in your children and family’s day-to-day living. Positive expectations also allow for a child to thrive and grow into the person they are meant to be as they expect to develop naturally into who they truly are.
By contrast, limiting harmful expectations requires building flexibility into everyday parenting.
Dr. Beach: What do you see as the 3 biggest takeaways for parents regarding the CASTLE Method?
Donna Tetreault:
1) You have the power to create the best version of yourself as a parent and to help your child be the person they are meant to be.
2) Use the foundational building blocks of the CASTLE Method to focus on creating a compassionate, safe, and joyful family environment. You can begin this work anytime, and at any stage of your family’s development.
3) Mental health education must be present in our parenting, starting early in life. This is now a must in modern day parenting.
References
Ariadne Brill, “Flexibility: Building Block #8 for Positive Parenting” Positive Parenting Connection, February 19, 2013, https://www.positiveparentingconnection.net/flexibility-building-block-…
IG, Twitter and FB @donnatetreault
Comments