An interview with Pirie Jones Grossman
Published in Authority Magazine
Tell your children you are sorry when you make a mistake or miss the mark. It models humility and that you value their feelings. When you rupture your connection, an apology (with changed behavior) offers a repair in the relationship.
Parenting is challenging. We all try so hard to give our all to our children. We desperately want them to feel loved and connected. But somehow there is often a disconnect. Perhaps it’s a generational thing, or that we don’t seem to speak the same language as our children, or just all of the “disconnection” that our kids are dealing with in today’s frenetic world. What are steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected? As a part of our series about “How to Raise Children Who Feel Loved and Connected” we had the pleasure to interview Daisha Miller.
Daisha Miller is a psychotherapist with over twenty years of professional experience working with children and families. Daisha is licensed to practice therapy in the states of California and Maryland. Daisha and her husband, Landon, have four small children between the ages of 3–8 years.
Thank you so much for joining us! Before we dive in, our readers would love to get to know a bit about you. Can you tell us your “childhood backstory”?
It is a pleasure to share this space with you and thank you for the opportunity. I was born and raised in the state of Georgia in a two-parent household, and I have a sister who’s 18 months younger than me. I grew up in a healthy “normal” family. My father is a pastor and counselor, and my mother worked in the school system as a teacher. The 80s and 90s raised me if that helps with context. I grew up around extended family, in the church, and raised to serve the community through organizations like the Girl Scouts.
Can you share the story about what brought you to this specific point in your career?
Sure. As I mentioned, my father is a pastor and counselor, and my mother, as a teacher, was also in the helping profession of sorts. It was naturally engrained in me at an early age to help and serve others. I should also mention that I am a licensed minister, so definitely a “like father, like daughter” thing going on. As far as specifically this type of work as a therapist, it feels like a natural progression to me. I have had many roles: county social worker, community worker, mental health counselor, residential counselor, children’s pastor, you name it…I have felt my most authentic self as a therapist, where my experience and natural gifts come together to help others on their journey of healing.
Ok, thank you for that. Let’s now jump to the core of our discussion. This is probably intuitive to many, but it would be beneficial to spell it out. Based on your experience or research, can you explain to us why it is so important to forge a strong connection with our children?
Absolutely. In my work, I lean heavily on attachment theory. To briefly sum up this theory, the bond a child forms with their primary caregiver shapes their attachment style, which can be secure, anxious, or avoidant. That style is how that child will relate to close relationships in adulthood. To stress that importance, when you build a strong and healthy connection with your child(ren), you are creating an environment of love and safety. You are also setting the example for children on how to connect with others, again, speaking to attachment theory.
What happens when children do not have that connection, or only have a weak connection?
It can lead to the opposite of what I just mentioned: anxiety, distrust, a lack of safety and security. I want to add that anxious attachment can lead one to look for connection in the wrong people or things, or willing to compromise values and beliefs to have that connection they crave.
Do you think children in this generation are less likely to feel loved and connected? Why do you feel the way you do?
It is hard to lump a generation together to give a quality answer. I think you must consider culture, traumatic experiences, systemic concerns and more, in addition to this 2024 tech, post-Covid generation. I will say I lean towards hope, and I see more parents trying to be intentional about making sure their children feel loved. Therapy is being normalized, and I always feel happy when I see families or parents connecting their children to therapy. To me, that is a form of love. I do not see it as “fix my child,” but I care about every part of you, and I want you to have a space to feel safe, even if it is not always with me. And I understand why people are concerned about disconnection with this generation with social media and devices, AND I see the programs, the literature, and the workshops teaching parents to build connection with their children. And the parents show up and join the groups and buy the books. I am still hopeful that children are being loved, feeling loved, and sensing that connection.
We live in a world with incessant demands for our time and attention. There is so much distraction and disconnection. Can you share with our readers 5 steps that parents can take to help their children feel loved and connected?
Please include examples or stories for each, if you can.
Take time to show physical affection. Hug your children and give them kisses. My daughter asks for cuddles all the time. Even if I only have a couple of minutes, my children are getting those cuddles. Why? It is a simple request. It is brave to put your need out there, and it releases oxytocin in the body, which is good for you.
Listen to your children. Listen to their interests. Listen to their day and who their friends are at school. Whatever they want to talk about, regardless of if it seems silly to you, listen like it is the most important thing to them, because it is.
Spend time with your children. Be intentional about watching a show together or going for a walk in the neighborhood. This lets them know that you consider them valuable and worthy of time. Slow down and carve out time to hang out with your child.
Encourage their strengths and praise them for the things they do well. To be honest, encourage them even in the things they attempt, even if they miss the mark. It encourages them to try again and makes them feel supported by you.
Tell your children you are sorry when you make a mistake or miss the mark. It models humility and that you value their feelings. When you rupture your connection, an apology (with changed behavior) offers a repair in the relationship.
How do you define a “good parent”? Can you give an example or story?
To be honest, I am not a fan of general terms, like “good, bad, respect” etc. These are relative terms and mean different things to different people. For example, I might think I am a good parent, but my kid thinks I’m the worst…who’s right and who’s wrong? I will say that the parent that does their best though is a good parent. When you miss the mark, as we all do, try again, and keep trying. To me, that is a good parent.
How do you inspire your child to “dream big”? Can you give an example or story?
I hope I inspire my children to dream big by encouraging them in words and action. I hope to never “clip their wings” in any way. For example, I have a huge fear of heights and things going fast (think rollercoasters). However, I try not to put my fear on my children and give them opportunities to experience new things. I have one little adventurous child who has ridden a rollercoaster and gone ziplining. I want all my children to be like that in all areas of their life, believing they can do anything they put their heart and mind to do.
How would you define “success” when it comes to raising children?
Success is another one of those relative terms, but I think success for me is raising happy children who know their worth and feel loved by their parents or caregivers.
This is a huge topic in itself, but it would be worthwhile to touch upon it here. What are some ideal social media and digital habits that you think parents should teach to their children?
Wow, yes, this topic is huge, and I think we will be studying the ramifications of social media on children for years to come. However, in 2023, the Surgeon General gave an advisory warning on social media use for children. Here are a few to consider: delay smartphones and social media use, teach your children online etiquette, monitor use, set guidelines, and model the behavior with social media and devices that you want your children to display.
What are your favorite books, podcasts, or resources that inspire you to be a better parent? Can you explain why you like them?
I love this question! Here are some of my favorite books and why:
The Five Love Languages of Children by Dr. Gary Chapman. I love this book, and I love the model of the five love languages in general. As you know, the Love Languages series is so popular and has helped so many couples. Where are love languages formed? Obviously in childhood. I love the concept of being intentional about showing your child love in the way that THEY feel loved early on. It further builds that connection we have been talking about.
How We Love Our Kids by Milan and Kay Yerkovich. This book (and the authors’ work) is based on attachment theory. They break down the attachment styles in a unique way and identify your core patterns. It discusses these different love styles in the parents and the children and different ways to achieve healing and build connection in the relationship.
Good Inside by Dr. Becky Kennedy. This is a down-to-earth easy read that really resonated with me. It is a relatable book, and I felt hopeful when reading it. The premise of her book is that there are no “bad parents” and “no bad kids.” We are all good inside.
I often refer to all three of these books and utilize what I have learned in my personal life and with my clients.
Can you please give us your favorite “Life Lesson Quote”? Can you share how that was relevant to you in your life?
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, ‘Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?’ Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson
I love this quote and remind myself of it often. I personally struggle at times, as many of us do, with people pleasing and feeling like “I’m too much.” I must remind myself that my authentic self is needed in this world, and I encourage others to be their authentic selves as well. This is another reason I love being a therapist so much. My light shines in that role. My clients see it, and it encourages them to recognize their own light and shine in the world.
You are a person of great influence. If you could inspire a movement that would bring the most amount of good to the most amount of people, what would that be? You never know what your idea can trigger. :-)
Honestly, choose light and love. We live in a world of “cancel culture” and toxic this and toxic that. There are so many things wrong with the world. Let us choose to the thing that is right by living in love and light.
Thank you so much for these insights! This was so inspiring!
About The Interviewer: Pirie is a TedX speaker, author and a Life Empowerment Coach. She is a co-host of Own your Throne podcast, inspiring women in the 2nd chapter of their lives. With over 20 years in front of the camera, Pirie Grossman understands the power of storytelling. After success in commercials and acting. She spent 10 years reporting for E! Entertainment Television, Entertainment Tonight, also hosted ABC’s “Every Woman”. Her work off-camera capitalizes on her strength, producing, bringing people together for unique experiences. She produced a Children’s Day of Compassion during the Dalai Lama’s visit here in 2005. 10,000 children attended, sharing ideas about compassion with His Holiness. From 2006–2009, Pirie Co-chaired the Special Olympics World Winter Games, in Idaho, welcoming 3,000 athletes from over 150 countries. She founded Destiny Productions to create Wellness Festivals and is an Advisory Board member of the Sun Valley Wellness Board.In February 2017, Pirie produced, “Love is Louder”, a Brain Health Summit, bringing in Kevin Hines, noted suicide survivor to Sun Valley who spoke to school kids about suicide. Sun Valley is in the top 5% highest suicide rate per capita in the Northwest, prompting a community initiative with St. Luke’s and other stake holders, to begin healing. She lives in Sun Valley with her two children, serves on the Board of Community School. She has her Master’s degree in Spiritual Psychology from the University of Santa Monica and is an Executive Life Empowerment Coach, where she helps people meet their dreams and goals! The difference between a dream and a goal is that a goal is a dream with a date on it!
Wellness
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